Love Near and Far

Blair Underwood: Hi, I’m Blair Underwood. I have the privilege and honor of spending time with you today and sharing something deeply personal to me and my family.

I often do interviews by myself because I’m an actor and work in the entertainment business. Today, I’m grateful to share the screen with my brother, Frank Eugene Underwood Jr., and my sister, Marlo Underwood Collins.

They are in Petersburg, Virginia, while I live in Los Angeles. We’re going to talk about what it means to care for and give love to our parents, Colonel Frank Underwood Sr., who is now 88, and our mother, Marilyn Underwood, who is 84.

Frank Eugene Underwood Jr.: Hello. Again, my name is Frank Underwood Jr.

We have been taking care of our parents for a few years now, and it is a beautiful thing.

Throughout most of my formative years and young adulthood, I never imagined I would be in this position. But as your parents grow older and a little weaker, you step in and help.

I think caring for your parents is one of the greatest expressions of love. They cared for you when you could not care for yourself, and now you have the opportunity to care for them.

Blair: Marlo, we should talk about the fact that many people may want to care for their parents but lack the resources or do not know where to find help.

Marlo Underwood Collins: Hi, I’m Marlo.

I was thinking about what Frank said. Unfortunately, it seems that many people do not plan for this stage of life.

Mom and Dad had a will, but it had not been revised in years, and they had not given it much thought. The summer before last, I was able to take them to the JAG office on the military base, thanks to Dad’s service background, and have a complete new will prepared.

They were able to express their end-of-life wishes. Everything is now documented and kept in a place we know about. We will not have to worry that their wishes might go unmet because the necessary planning was never completed.

I also did not initially realize how strongly Mom and Dad wanted to remain at home as they grew older and became less able to care for themselves. Making that possible in a way that is comfortable for them has become my mission.

My husband and our three sons are here with us as well. I am part of the sandwich generation, caring for my children while watching my parents age.

Having my children witness this experience has been meaningful. I know that someday we will look back and say, “We were fortunate to have that time together.” It will have a lasting impact on all of us.

Blair: There is a learning curve, much like the one you experience when you have a child.

I have children, and Marlo does as well. There is no manual for raising a baby, just as there is no manual for watching your parents grow older.

Our mother has multiple sclerosis and was diagnosed approximately 25 years ago.

Because I live in California and my family lives in Virginia, I am 3,000 miles away. At this stage of my life, many of my contemporaries have lost one or both parents.

I am incredibly grateful every day that my parents are still on this earth. I try to stay in touch as often as possible.

I usually call Frank and interrupt whatever he is doing. He answers the phone and takes it to Mom or Dad so I can speak with them. That is how I stay connected.

It has been more challenging during COVID, so I am grateful that my brother and sister are there.

It is important to understand your strengths and weaknesses. One of my strengths is thinking big. One of my weaknesses is managing details.

Marlo is strong in that area, and it has been invaluable to our family and our parents. You have researched the nuances, identified what needed attention, and moved us further along this learning curve.

Marlo: I would not necessarily say details are one of my greatest strengths, but I try.

When I stepped into this role and began learning how to become a better caregiver for our parents, I realized there were gaps. It can be overwhelming, but I have been able to fill many of them.

I now understand that more resources are available than we initially realized. We may be able to obtain an adapted vehicle for Mom or renovate the house to make it more accessible.

I have been learning how to identify and access those kinds of resources.

Frank: That brings us back to the learning curve.

When Mom began experiencing multiple sclerosis in the 1990s, I was away from home. For nearly 20 years, I was rarely there except at Christmas, so I did not fully understand what she was experiencing.

Marlo would explain it to me because she was the one present at that time.

Years later, I returned home while Blair remained in Los Angeles. Sometimes, as brothers do, Blair would ask, “Why is that happening?”

I would tell him, “You don’t understand. You’re 3,000 miles away.”

He would say, “Then tell me what’s going on.”

I was experiencing the same learning curve I had missed in the 1990s.

When you witness it firsthand, everything changes. Mom and Dad were always Supermom and Superdad to me, and they still are. They are simply a different kind of Supermom and Superdad now.

Blair: The word that comes to mind is dignity. Preserving the dignity of every human being is essential, and every person’s needs are different.

Our mother has used a wheelchair for 25 years and now spends much of her time in bed. Frank, Marlo, and her nurses help her out of bed and into her chair.

From 3,000 miles away, I am always saying, “Please get her outside. Let her feel the sunshine and get some vitamin D.” Changing her physical environment seems so important.

But these are the day-to-day realities through which we learn and grow.

Marlo: It is easy to say, “Did you get her outside today?” when you are not present to see everything required to make that happen.

Right now, she is struggling simply to turn over in bed. She does not want to get up because it is painful.

She has lost so much weight that sitting in her chair is uncomfortable. Staying in bed is easier for her.

When we do get her into the chair, she may remain there for only 15 minutes before asking to lie down again. Getting her outside for a few minutes can be a monumental task.

Frank: Our parents were always there for us. They planted the seeds that taught us the importance, value, and gravity of family.

Those seeds have blossomed within our own families. Hopefully, our children are witnessing the same values and will carry them forward in their own lives.

Blair: What I would like to say to our mother and father is thank you.

We are living on borrowed time. Every day is special, and every day is a miracle.

I am incredibly grateful to God for allowing us this time together. I am grateful to both of them for caring for themselves and continuing to fight.

Our mother is a warrior. I have said that to her privately, and I would say it publicly.

Frank: That was good, brother.

I would also say thank you. I thank God that you are both still with us, and I pray you will remain with us for many more years.

I am grateful to be here to help you through this journey into old age.

Marlo: I would say much the same.

Thank you for giving us our foundation.

I think they sometimes worry that they did not do enough, but they did. They did enough.

Blair: To everyone caring for a parent or loved one at home, and to the frontline caregivers working in hospitals and medical facilities, please know that resources are available.

Please know that you have support, both practical and spiritual.

We are sending you love because we understand that this work is difficult.

But it is worth it.