When There Are No Words

What do we do with losses that have no clear name, when someone is gone but not gone, present but not fully here? Trauma therapist and author Meghan Riordan Jarvis introduces us to the concept of ambiguous loss and offers a simple daily practice to help move grief through the body. Because even when there are no words, we can still find ways to notice, honor, and tend what we carry.

As a culture, Americans are good at bringing a lasagna, but less great at the validating conversations and concrete support that grievers need. Harder still is when grief is connected to a less visible loss. Coined in the 1970’s by Dr. Pauline Boss, the term ambiguous loss identifies and acknowledges losses that are hard to name and often go unrecognized or honored by society.

As a trauma therapist specializing in grief and loss I have been grateful to offer meaningful vocabulary to clients who feel overwhelmed by an experience that is difficult to name, and leaves them feeling all but invisible.

Examples of ambiguous loss include relationships with people who are physically absent, like a deployed military family member, a missing person, or an estrangement, or relationships where someone is physically present but emotionally absent as is the case with cognitive issues like dementia, addiction and various forms of mental illness.

People navigating these complicated relationships often don’t feel entitled or able to grieve a person still alive.

Grief is the energetic response created in the body on account of loss, be that the loss of a loved one, caring for someone with dementia, and even the more subtle everyday events that include disappointments, changes in expectations, or endings. Not only does society minimize grief, but grievers often minimize their own experience, particularly if no one died. We feel the way we feel regardless of what we think about how we feel.

This means that regardless of our own or others’ opinions about our emotions, we must find a way to shift the noun of grief into the verb form of grieving. This involves moving the energy through our system so it doesn’t compound or build up. Creating a daily grief practice can be a profound tool for both identifying and integrating your experience into your daily life.

Mindfulness

Discover your grief with a mindfulness practice.

Mindfulness is the art of being in the present moment without judgement. If you are new to mindfulness, be encouraged to try a variety of modalities. Feel free to piggyback on an existing activity or experiment with something new like box breathing, meditation, or a particular art or craft.

Ask Yourself

Where is the grief in my body?

Whether in stillness or movement, start with an internal body scan and notice any areas where energy has collected. Allow yourself to wonder if that energy is grief. Notice which area wants your attention.

Greet the Energy

Holding back any judgement, ask questions like “What color are you? What size? What are you made of? How long have you been with me?” to get to know the energy of your grief better.

Play Matchmaker

Begin to match the energy of the emotion with feeling words. You may find words like sadness, anger, confusion, fear, dread, excitement, or relief. See what feels right and create a list of words.