Grieving the Lives We Didn't Lead

In a warm, funny, and deeply human conversation, End Well’s Tracy Wheeler and Molly Rosenfeld speak with prison hospice advocate and mentor Fernando Murillo about accepting compliments, building human-centered practices within the carceral system, mentoring through a “train your replacement” philosophy, and visualizing change through what he once called living inside a simulator.

Together, they explore End Well’s 2025 theme, Radical Bravery, and what it means to grieve the lives we did not lead. That grief can become a path toward connection, care, and resilience.

The Moment That Starts With “Thank You”

The conversation begins, unexpectedly, with compliments.

Fernando laughs about how difficult it can be to receive one. The inner critic often speaks before gratitude has a chance to arrive.

While incarcerated, he encouraged younger people to practice this exact skill:

Accept the compliment. Say thank you. Notice what comes up. Resist the urge to swat it away.

“It’s hard to accept compliments. Criticism kicks off an internal monologue. We rarely practice the other end of the spectrum.”

It is a small practice with larger implications.

During serious illness, caregiving, and grief, we often respond to care by minimizing, fixing, or deflecting. Fernando offers a simpler invitation:

Let the care land.

From Level 4 to Leadership

Inside high-security institutions, Fernando became a leader through practice rather than title.

He redirected his life toward discipline, education, and service. Younger incarcerated people began asking him, “OG, what do you do every day?”

Those conversations grew into mentoring and a youth diversion initiative called Understanding, Nurturing, and Inspiring Youth.

“Train your replacement” became one of Fernando’s guiding principles.

The idea is practical: When your goal is reentry and meaningful contribution, begin by lifting others now. Invite someone to observe, learn, and imagine a different ecosystem, one that reflects the community you hope to enter.

Its power comes from being repeatable.

Humanizing Across Uniforms

Fernando describes the anonymity that permeates carceral life.

Incarcerated people are stripped of their individuality. Correctional staff may return home to communities that do not understand the work they perform.

Fernando began practicing a quiet form of humanization:

Use people’s names.

Ask, “How would you like to be addressed?”

Offer the same consistent respect regardless of someone’s role or uniform.

“Taking the initiative to humanize folks was powerful, and it went a long way.”

The same lesson applies to end-of-life care.

Patients, clinicians, family members, aides, and caregivers all benefit when we slow down long enough to see the person in front of us.

The Lives We Did Not Lead

Tracy introduces a theme that will shape Fernando’s End Well talk: grieving the lives we did not lead.

The phrase opens into something many people recognize.

We all carry alternate timelines. There are paths we could not take and versions of ourselves we had to leave behind.

Grieving those unlived lives can create space for self-advocacy, receiving care, and connecting more honestly with others. Serious illness, caregiving, and loss often bring these competing identities into sharp focus.

Fernando’s story reflects the four dimensions of End Well’s Radical Bravery framework:

Courage to See: Examine the stories we have carried.

Courage to Connect: Build honest and deeply human relationships.

Courage to Care: Show up for ourselves and others.

Courage to Carry On: Sustain purpose and resilience over time.

The Simulator

During the years he spent inside a cell, Fernando developed what he calls a simulator, a disciplined practice of imagining how he wanted to show up in the world.

He still uses it.

As he prepares to speak at End Well at the Skirball Cultural Center, he mentally walks through the room. He imagines the audience and rehearses the feeling of a conversation rather than a performance.

“I’m placing myself in the space and seeing how it feels to present. There’s magic in that.”

Visualization allows him to practice presence before the moment arrives.

A Recovering Know-It-All

As an educator and facilitator, Fernando jokingly describes himself as a “recovering know-it-all.”

He now tries to enter each experience with a don’t-know mindset.

That posture is curious, humble, and open. It allows him to learn from every person and every subject.

It is also a valuable way to meet someone near the end of life: with fewer assumptions, greater curiosity, and room for the truth of their experience.

Four Practices to Try

1. Receive the Compliment

When someone offers praise, pause and breathe.

Say, “Thank you.”

Notice the urge to dismiss or deflect it, then allow the care to reach you.

2. Use Names and Ask

Address people by name.

Ask, “How would you like me to address you?”

Small acts of respect can have an enormous impact.

3. Train Your Replacement

Share what you know.

Invite someone to observe or learn alongside you. Begin building the ecosystem you wish already existed.

4. Use the Simulator

Before a difficult conversation, appointment, or presentation, imagine how you want to show up.

Consider your tone, posture, and opening sentence. Rehearse presence rather than perfection.

How Fernando Builds a Talk and a Community

Fernando is shaping his End Well talk around a simple structure:

Invite people into a place. Help them see themselves within it. Leave them with practical ideas they can carry back into their communities.

The emphasis is on practice and generosity.

“I want people to see how they can make a difference with their time, energy, thoughts, and effort.”

What Comes Next

Fernando will join End Well onstage on November 20.

He is also contributing to the Radical Bravery Companion Guide, likely within Courage to Care, exploring the work of learning to care for yourself so you can care more fully for others.

For people navigating illness, caregiving, or grief, and for clinicians and others seeking more human-centered approaches to the end of life, Fernando’s work offers a powerful invitation:

Begin where you are. See the person in front of you. Let care land.