Dying for Beginners

Illustrations by Emily Downe

Death is something we all face, yet many of us have only the vaguest idea of how it actually happens. Unless you’ve worked at the bedside or been close to someone in their final days, the details can be unfamiliar, even surprising. Adapted from the words of renowned author and palliative care physician Kathryn Mannix, this piece traces the natural process of dying with quiet attention to both the physical changes and the human connections that remain.

I want to tell you what normally happens as someone is dying.

Dying, just like being born, is a process. Our bodies go through it quite naturally, with recognized phases that are pretty much the same for everyone.

It’s all very ordinary.

At first, our bodies grow weary.

We need more sleep, less food. We may lose our appetite altogether.

Some days we can manage an outing or visitors or watching TV. Other days, we mainly sleep. All this is normal.

Inside our weary bodies, changes are happening. All our systems are running out of energy.

Digestion slows down. Our heart may not pump as strongly. Our organs might slow down. All normal.

Aside from the physical, I’ve noticed that dying people’s perspective often shifts from themselves to others.

The same last messages come up again and again: I’m sorry. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.

Most people are not conscious by the time they die. We don’t know when we’re unconscious.

We don’t notice time passing or feel our body. It doesn’t feel like going to sleep. It’s just a state of non-awareness.

To begin with, dying people might only be unconscious some of the time.

In between, they may wake up and talk, or sip drinks, or listen to the people around them chatting. That’s normal.

It helps when people hold their hand and talk in soothing, gentle tones.

Familiar, trusted voices calm and comfort.

Hearing is the last sense to go.

That’s why loved ones and caregivers can keep talking while the dying person is unconscious. It’s why some people make end-of-life playlists.

Well, it’s usually very gentle. Our breathing gets slower and more shallow. And then it just very gently stops. A few minutes later, our heart stops too.

That’s it. No fuss, or fear, or panic.

Of course saying goodbye to people we love is sad, but knowing what to expect takes away a lot of the fear. I’ve met so many bereaved people who wish they had talked about dying more.

I’ve never met a person who regretted having those important conversations.

We need to talk about it, because talking about death will help us to live together better.